Combination of skits I've written that I either didn't put up here or haven't previously put up at all.
Psychoshy: "So, why do you all eat together? It's not like there's anything decent to eat that doesn't come prepackaged."
Rampage: "Eh, debatable, but Glory likes to cook so we indulge her. I've got to warn you, though; her cooking is a bit of a minefield, so you have to be careful to pick out the stuff that will kill you bef-"
Psychoshy: "Yeah, yeah, whatever. Look, I'm taking this one." *sits between Rampage and Blackjack and yoinks BJ's plate.*
Blackjack: "Hey, I was eating-"
Psychoshy: *downs a spoonful of
not ba-" *instantly turns full-body green and turns to Rampage with wide eyes, her cheeks bulging*
Rampage: *puts up a hoof and spins Psychoshy in her chair so that she's facing the opposite direction*
Psychoshy: "Blaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaagh! Blaaaaaaaaaaagh! Blaaaaaagh! Huff
BLAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH!!" *falls off her chair and lays twitching on the ground*
Glory: "Oh my gosh, Blackjack! Are you okay?!"
Blackjack: *spits out a little of the projectile vomit before wiping her eyes and smacking her lips.* "Hmm
not half bad!" *grin*
you can't be-"
Blackjack: *drops the grin* "No, I'm not. Quick, get some water and a towel to clean this off me. You know, since I'm pretty sure MY vomit would kill us all."
Rampage: *leaning down next to the whimpering, fetal-position Psychoshy and pats her head with a hoof* "Oh yeah, you're gonna get along just fine
Glory: "Can you believe Psychoshy? I mean no else has EVER reacted that badly to my cooking before!"
Rampage: "Glory, just last week your food gave me partial brain death for a full two minutes. I've been DISINTEGRATED and come back faster than that."
I still think you were just faking that
Psychoshy: "I thought you guys said we'd be in the clear for a while."
Rampage: "Sure, whine about it a little more." *impales a ghoul on one of her claws* "I mean, it's not like you aren't enjoying this. What, not enough hot, rotten flanks for you to ogle?"
Psychoshy: *stops and thinks to herself for a moment, then grabs the nearest ghoul and shoves her tongue down its throat.
Rampage and Ghoul: *dumbstruck*
" *slowly licks her lips as she pulls away, then frowns and harrumphs. "It's not the same
I MISS SANGY!" *cries as she puts a powerhoof through the ghoul's head*
Rampage: "That mare is crazy
Ghoul still on Rampage's claw: *nods*
Psychoshy: "So, I heard you dressed up like a mare and tried to get into the Filly Flashers. At first I didn't believe it, but looking at you now, I can see how they'd get confused."
Psychoshy: "Yeah, you're an effeminate little coltcoddler, huh? So, you do WHAT in this group, again? Throw grenades? I'm guessing, when you guys have to go in a building or anywhere else close-quarters you just laze about outside being useless, huh? Well, today's your lucky day! I'm gonna show you how to hoof fight, now, put 'em
why do I feel so heavy?" *looks down and notices every square foot of her body is layered in mines*
P-21: "And that, Scotch, is how you dress a turkey. Now, do you want to give it a try?"
Psychoshy: "I DON'T CARE; JUST GET THEM OFF OF ME!!!"
Blackjack: "Look, for the hundredth time, P-21 is the explosives expert. You want them off? You'll have to sweet talk him into it."
Glory: *whispering as a grumbling Psychoshy carefully waddles off* "But, Blackjack, you easily have enough skill to hit a few disarm tabs. Heck, I do, too."
Blackjack: "Shush. Now listen
. Hear that? It's the sound of her not
wait. No, there's
a beeping noise. What would
oh CRAP!" *hurries after Psychoshy*
P-21: "In my defense, I hate her."
Blackjack: "So, uh
Shy. After Sanguine released you from your stasis pod you were still a foal, right? And then he raised you?"
Psychoshy: "Yeah, what's it to you?"
you were in a relationship not just with an undead monster, but essentially the only father figure you'd ever known."
Psychoshy: "Pfft, what, like you never boned your father?"
well, actually, I never had one. In fact, I think Glory's the only one of us that actually grew up with one."
Psychoshy: "Fine. Glory! Confirm something for me. "
Glory: "Oh, uh
okay, Shy, what is it?"
Psychoshy: "Spill it. You fucked the shit out of your father growing up, right?"
Glory: *jaw drops*
Glory: *jaw remains dropped*
Psychoshy: *turns to Rampage* "Seriously, what? What did I say?"
Rampage: "All in favor of voting Psychoshy as most messed up pony, raise your hoof."
*everyone does so, including Glory, who appears otherwise catatonic in her jaw droppage*
Rampage: "The hooves have it."
Psychoshy: "Yeah, whatever, I'M the weird one, woohoo. At least I get LAID."
Psychoshy: "So, what you're telling me is that fathers and daughters are not supposed to fuck."
Glory: "Y-yes. Yes, that is what I am saying."
Psychoshy: "Huh. Then, um, hey Scotch! Forget everything I told you this morning."
Scotch: "Okey dokey."
It's a team dinner. Given Blackjack's new diet, the rest sit far away from her as Glory comes over wearing a gas mask with a pot spewing green and black noxious fumes and a bowl of thin, shiny crumpled-up metal leaves, the latter of which she places in front of Blackjack.
Blackjack: "Glory, what is this?" *nudges the bowl*
Glory: "Aluminum salad. No more steel cans for you."
Blackjack: "What? But
but I love steel cans!"
Glory: "Too bad. You've been gaining a lot of weight lately, Blackjack, and you can't afford to be eating metals. You'll have to make due with lighter metalloids from now on."
but Glory, don't I need to eat those to stay healthy?"
Glory: "I went over some of the notes the professor gave us a bit ago and no. We're going to be putting you on a strict no metal or glass diet."
Blackjack: "No glass, either?! But
but glass is so crunchy! Can I at least keep sprinkling a little crushed glass over my cereal?"
Glory: "No means no, Blackjack." *ladles an acrid, multi-colored glob onto blackjack's plate* "Now, eat your polymers. They're good for you!"
Blackjack: "I don't wanna. They're too gooey."
Glory: *scoops up some of the sticky goop with a large spoon* "Toot toot! Here comes the S. S. Polyethylene, coming in for a landing! Better open up the port before it hits you in the head!"
Blackjack: "Hehe, aaaah!" *opens mouth, then slurps off the molten plastic* "Mmm
actually not bad! More! Aaaah
*at the other end of the table, drinking "soup"*
Scotch: "Can those two get any weirder?"
P-21: *glances up, then goes back to eating* "Sure, just give them another week."
*Glory is polishing her gatling laser's lenses*
Glory: "Hmm hmmm hmm hmmmmmm, I will survive, as long as I know how to love I know I'll stay alive
*begins dancing by herself* "And I've got all my life to live! And I've got all my love to give! I will survive
I will survive! Hey heeeeeeey!"
P-21: "Uh, looking good, Glory."
Glory: "Thanks! Did you know that, back home, I took first place back in my highschool colt-illion?"
you know, sometimes I think you are too ridiculous to actually exist."
Glory: "Heh, yeah, I
Lover Boy (inspired by a song of the same name)
P twenty one
you're quite the ball of fun
You blow the roof off any Doof but never with a gun
You knock 'em down, and yet you always have a frown
If you were with me, I'd be happy as we blow up every town!
You're long and thin, and your sway drives me to sin
So lean and lank, with such a flank, oh where should I begin?
You may look frail, but you drive steel jerks to pale
As you pull a pin and you put one in right up their automail!
You're so slick I'm flailing just to catch you
So darn smart it's boggling my mind
Just so quick but I will never be through
Your guarded heart's a work of art, but please, oh please, be mine!
You crazy thing
I know if I had a ring
I'd strap it to your sexy blue, gezz, you just drive me to sing!
I wouldn't care, about the danger we would bare
In Hoofington, we'd still have fun, please, make me a happy mare!
Glory: "Psst, Blackjack, I think that crazy mare is following us again. Do we have any more wonderglue or duct tape?"
Blackjack: "No, we used it all up last time. Gezz, seriously, what's it going to take to get her to leave you alone, P-21?"
P-21: "Ugh... I hate to ask this, but... With Scotch, she keeps asking me things. And wanting to help me with things. I'm know you've all got issues with your families, or lack thereof, but
I don't know. I guess I'm just asking..." *sigh* "Do you have any advice?"
Psychoshy: "Just fuck her. That should loosen her up. *notices everyone glaring* "OR FINE, DON'T, WHATEVER." *storms off*
well, just don't screw up or I'll throw you off a building, alright?" *goes after Psychoshy*
Glory: *glares as they both leave* "Ugh
look, just be patient, alright? She's just as lost as you trying to figure out what your relationship should be about. Maybe we can find some old pre-war boardgames. I used to play them with my dad and we'd talk and it'd actually really help me figure things out
Scotch: *pops up out of nowhere* "That sounds stupid and boring."
" *begins tearing up* "But I just wanted to help
*sniff* and I just wanted
I mean, can't you at least try it? "
Scotch: *looking worried and embarrassed* "Oh
it's okay, Glory! I'll do it! I'm sorry
Glory: "Oh, that's okay. *sniff* Go get the caps, I think Charity might have one or two."
P-21: *watches Scotch go* "Huh. Glory, sorry abou-"
Glory: *perks up immediately* "And that's called 'guilt-tripping'. My dad, being a single parent, was a MASTER at it. I mean, can you imagine controlling my sisters without it? Let alone getting them all to be the overachievers we all turned into while pursuing his political campaign?" *proud grin*
P-21: "Oh, um
yes, I suppose that will come in handy."
Glory: "Remember the lower lip. People always forget about the lower lip. It's that and the eyes that sell it
about TIME someone separated those two. There's only so much of that I can take
Rampage: "What? They're in LOVE. You made out with Sanguine every freaking time you were in public. What's your problem?"
Psychoshy: "That's different. He's a buck."
Rampage: "And a ghoul."
Psychoshy: "Believe me, he still had it where it counted. Mmmmm
Rampage: "Gross. So, what, you just have a problem with mares being together?"
Psychoshy: "Are you serious? I mean, if Celestia wanted mares fucking each other, we'd of all been born with dicks."
you're such a sweet talker
" *moves in with kissy lips*
Psychoshy: "What in
get away. Get the FUCK away!" *blows off her head*
Rampage: *falls, grows back her head, and continues to advance* "Not gonna get rid of me THAT easily, lover
come on, gimme some of that sweet, sweet flutterlovin'
Psychoshy: "Ah! Get
get away!" *flees, hiding behind Lacunae* "Just
put up your shield! Okay?!"
Lacunae: "As you wish
" *does so* "may I ask why, though?"
Psychoshy: "Rampage wants to
well, I don't even want to think about it! Now vaporize her or something, I think I can take her when she's a filly."
Rampage: "Come on, Psychoshy
what are you afraid of? Is it the sex? It's the sex, isn't it?"
well." *looks down at the cringing Psychoshy* "
I can see the appeal. Come now, shy, let me take you places only the goddess can go
Psychoshy: *a look of utter horror, a squeak and flies away in a blur*
Rampage: "Hah, nice job, Lacunae." *hoofbump*
Lacunae: "Agreed." *grin*
Scotch: "I miss Blackjaaaaaaaaack
P-21: "Mmhmm. Right"
Scotch: "You know, Blackjack is SO much fun. Scary, but fun."
P-21: "Yeah, look, are you going to help me fix this generator for the Chapel perimeter lights, or are you just going to keep complaining Blackjack isn't here?!"
Scotch: "Humph. You know, if Blackjack were my mom, we wouldn't be fixing a stupid generator. We'd be out having FUN."
P-21: *grumble* "Ugh, then why do you go ask her to be? >_>"
Scotch: *lights up* "So that you two can get married?!" *biggest smile ever*
P-21: *epic facehoof*
Glory: *doctoring P-21* "Gezz, I think you bruised the bone
how did you manage to hit your head so hard?"
P-21: *sigh* "Parenthood."
Glory: So, um
Rampage: *discontinues the puppet show she was performing for Scotch featuring a dried-up radroach husk and a bleached radhog skull* "Hmm?"
could we talk in private really quick?"
Rampage: "Oh, sure, just hold up a sec, Scotch."
Scotch: "Humph!" *pout*
Glory: *a short distance away* "Listen, you remember that advice you gave me about being intimate with Blackjack?"
Rampage: "Oh yes, very. Why, need a refresher?" *wink*
Glory: *blush* "Oh, no, no, no
well, I mean, yes. But I wanted to know if you had anything else. It's been a long time since Blackjack and I were together and I wanted to surprise her."
Rampage: "Oh? Hmm
well, I think
well, you could always-"
Scotch: "Whatcha talking about over here?"
Glory: "Oh, noth-"
Rampage: "Glory needs sex tips like it's nobody's business."
Glory: "That's not what-"
Scotch: "Oh, you know what'd be a good one? The crankshaft. Oh! Or the moonpie!"
Glory: "What's a
I mean, no! I was asking-"
Scotch: "Actually, since you're so much smaller than Blackjack, maybe the naughty filly would be better."
Glory: o_o "Um, Rampage? Can we go talk somewhere else?" *starts inching away*
Rampage: "Nah, I think we should leave this up to the expert here. Tell me, Scotch, what's a 'naughty filly'?"
Scotch: *following Glory with a big smile* "Oh, it's not what you think
well, it could be, but it was mostly done when you were at least old enough for a cutie mark, you know? Anyway, the idea is that one mare is small enough compared to the other that they can fit a hoof inside-"
Glory: *blushing furiously* "P-21!! Get over here and collect your daughter!"
P-21: "Holy heck, Glory, what? What's going on?"
she needs to go do something! Away from me!"
Scotch: "I'm just trying to teach her how to please a mare
" *grin* "Well, I know I'm a stallion, but I think a Buckpip would still work."
Scotch: "Oh, yeah! Here, Glory, let me see your pipbuck. See, there's this function here that-"
Glory: *yanking hoof away and covering her ears, blushing like crazy* "Please leave me alooooooone
Rampage: "Oh, I thought of one! How about the double-stuffed snackcake?!"
Rampage: "Holy crud, do you guys know a lot about this stuff
what number are we even on, now?"
P-21: *sigh* "Heck if I know, but when you get right down to it, this was the only 'education' I got in 99. At least, officially."
Scotch: "And then
after that, there's the system flush and the rusty mare-y-go-round
they're kinda mutually exclusive, but I generally wouldn't recommend either. It gets pretty messy without floor drains."
Glory: *crying while being (lightly) sat on by Rampage to keep her from going anywhere* "Why are you doing this to meeeee..."